Time and Time Again, with Feeling!
by Ala Iridia
Summary: "What If...?" Explore the infinite possibilities of the many roommates of Negi Springfield. There's a million different Negima variants out there; naturally, we had to choose all the craziest ones!
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER- by OverMaster**

Negima doesn't belong to us. It was created by Akamatsu Ken.

No other characters here, other than a few OCs, were created by us either.

We aren't making any money out of this. I sure as heck ain't!

**PROLOGUE: Unequally Rational and Emotional- by OverMaster**

Chao Lingshen sighed while browsing through her files. Every iteration of the universe's existence she had been through until the current one, where her ancestor, study target and secret object of subtle affections that definitely were not romantic in nature, no sir, had taught at Mahora Academy, flashed before her eyes.

In the original world, Negi Springfield had roomed with Kagurazaka Asuna and Konoe Konoka. In the current one, he lived with Hasegawa Chisame and Hakase Satomi.

In the meanwhile, several other things had happened.

**Unanesthetically Anal, Economical and Theatrical- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Naba Chizuru-san, Yukishiro Ayaka-san and Murakami Natsumi-san, " Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The door opened, and an incredibly busty girl opened the door, a large spring onion in hand. "Oh, hello Sensei, Negi-sensei."

Negi smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all...

"I'm so sorry, Naba-san!" Negi apologized frantically, bowing to make the Crouch of the Wild Tiger proud. "It's just that I'm used to sleeping with my cousin, and I guess old habits die hard..."

"Oh, well, it was an honest mistake, Sensei," Chizuru said, waving his embarrassment away as Natsumi blushed at the image that had greeted her that morning: Nagi in Chizuru's bed, her face firmly stuck between her breasts. "But I believe I have an answer to your sleepwalking."

Negi perked up. "Really?"

Chizuru nodded and Natsumi got a sinking feeling in her stomach— and, not surprisingly, a remembered burning sensation up her ass. "Oh, yes," the busty girl said. "It's this old home remedy..."

And sure enough, it worked: Negi was too traumatized to ever sleepwalk into Chizuru's bed again. And thus, Ayaka was easily able to _comfort_ him...

**Unilaterally Philosophical and Bookish** **- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Ayase Yue-san and Miyazaki Nodoka-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The door opened, and Negi found himself face to face with the girl he'd just rescued. She stared at him and fainted dead away.

Three weeks later, Nodoka promptly lost her virginity. Yue lost hers soon after. Such is the inevitable result when one is rooming with a Plucky Girl with infinite determination.

**Unbalancedly Angelical and Demonical- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Sakurazaki Setsuna-san and Zazie Rainyday-san, " Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The door opened, and a dark-skinned, pale-haired girlstepped out, juggling some clubs. she peered at them inquisitively, then bowed, and stepped back, somehow implying he should step inside.

Pursing his lips nervously, Negi entered the room. Once inside, he stopped and stared. "Why are there some many giant pictures on Konoka-san?"

Setsuna was catanotic for hours once she realized her secret was out. Zazie, surprisingly, was quite the housewife, though the fact she never talked made her seem more like a maid. Negi wondered why she kept giving him little blue vitamins and individually packaged transparent balloons...

**Unashamedly Aquatical and Oedipal- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Okochi Akira-san and Akashi Yuuna-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

They were, surprisingly, the most normal roommates Negi could hope for, despite the fact that, weeks later, Yuuna still sometimes screamed out her father's name when the three of them were messing around...

**Unoriginally Vampiric and Robotic- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Evangeline A.K. McDowell-san and Karakuri Chachamaru-san, " Negi recalled as he walked through the path through the woods, Eventually, he reached a rather nice-looking log cabin.

The door opened at his knock, revealing Chachamaru in her maid uniform. She blinked. "Oh, hello Negi-sensei."

In the living room, Evangeline's eyebrows rose at this turn of events, and she began to grin, imagining an easy escape come the full moon, when she got her fangs back...

By the time the full moon came around, however, blood was no longer the bodily fluid Evangeline wanted from him. Chachamaru was very helpful in this regard...

**Unsympathetically Psychotic and Sociopathic- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Sextum Averruncus-san and Aoyama Tsukuyomi-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The door opened, and a girl in a frilly dress covered all over with what Negi thought was ketchup opened the door. "Oh, Sexy-chan, it looks like the treat we ordered is here..."

On the plus side, it was MUCH easier for Negi to argue his alternate plan to Kosmo Entelekhia. Now, if Tertium, Quartum, and Quintum would stop trying to kill him for compromising their sister's honor. It helped that Tsukuyomi didn't want to share her "Toys"...

**Inexactly Buffoonish and Environmental- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, to make the culture shock of accommodating to Japanese society softer, you will be rooming with two of our exchange English speaking students, Quinzeel-san and Isley-san, " Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

A blond, blue eyed teen with her hair made in pigtails greeted him with an impossibly huge smile. "Awwww, look, Red! Isn't he the cutest thing ever?"

The redhaired student snorted, barely lifting her gaze from the potted plants she was watering. "You've always had such odd tastes in men, Harley."

By the time they fought Evangeline, Negi had started having serious doubts on which side was more evil, if his or hers.

Then at Kyoto, he should have bought a clue upon noticing Harley managed to actually strike a friendship of sorts with Tsukuyomi.

And then that Evil Laugh contest Harley had engaged into with Dynamis at Mundus Magicus. And her comments on Quartum being soooooo charming...

By the time they came back home, Mars had been left fully covered by rainforest, Negi hadn't talked to Ivy for a week, and Chao came back demanding to know why had she been forced to resort to coconuts and vines to make her Cassiopeia.

**Ponyqually Equestrian and Intellectual- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with two of our newest exchange students, Sparkle-san and Pie-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

Much to his shock, he had been led to a stable.

Much to his bigger shock, the stable was fully decorated for a huge party.

"WEEEEEEELCOMEEEEE!" a small pink talking horse had latched upon him with a viciously strong hug.

Another, purplish, horse with a horn on her head sighed. "Welcome. Please excuse Pinkie's... ways. I'm Twilight Sparkle. No Stephanie Meyer jokes, please. I have heard them all."

Two weeks later Chao had shown up demanding to know why she now had horse legs.

**Uncertainly Temporal and Megalomaniacal- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Suzumiya Haruhi-san and Asahina Mikuru-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The girl with the shorter, darker brown hair had all but pounced on him. "Hell, yeah! Right what we needed to promote the Brigade's new image! Shotacon's all the rage nowadays!"

Then he squealed as she snaked a hand down and squeezed, licking her lips up and down. "Mmmmm... Surprisingly well gifted for his age, too!"

Mikuru gave the poor, twitching boy a sympathetic gaze and then retreated for the kitchen.

At the very least, she'd be spared most of Haruhi's attentions now.

She only had been half right. Negi's virginity had only survived one week after that. Hers held up for nine more days.

When Haruhi announced her desires to meet aliens, time travelers and Espers, no one ever wondered why she never included mages into it.

But really, mages already were old hat for her.

**Uncannily Mutant and Magical****- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Jean Grey-san and Rogue-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

Chamo had a lot of issues adapting to it when he finally arrived. On one hand, the girls' nearly magical in nature innate powers were always useful in a fight. On the other hand, Jean-chan had this annoying tendency to die whenever they fought any major enemy, then to be reborn after Negi cried a lot, and it just creeped the hell out of Asuna and the others. Although the look on Fate-kun's face right before the Phoenix Force slapped him into the continent made it all almost worthwhile.

As for poor Rogue-chan, it took a lot of effort and scheming from Chamo to find a way for her to Pactio with Negi without putting him into a coma. Once she could, however, she took advantage of it to its fullest, and only then did they realize how much pent up... frustration... she had been keeping.

Aniki couldn't walk straight for weeks.

**Indecently Exposed and Underdressed****- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with another foreign teacher, H*gh H*fner-sensei," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The old H*fner-sensei had proved to be quite a jolly, likable enough roommate, but a few quirks about his hobbies gave Negi pause for well founded fears.

"Ummm, Sensei... Are you sure this is morally correct, not to mention legal...?"

"Hey, I have all my bases covered! Sure, parents do throw a hissing fit at times, but thank God for these low consent ages, and usually they calm down after they see the paychecks."

Negi's right eyebrow twitched. "Isn't that rather underhanded?"

"I'm on a mission of mercy. I help pay their college studies. Do you think Hakase got her warm seat ready and waiting at MIT only because she created artificial robotic life?"

"Right..."

The boy continued flipping through the magazine, his feelings rocking back and forth between shame, disgust, and a new, strange sensation that kinda made his pants feel too tight for comfort.

"How did you manage to convince the Dean to...?"

"Konoka caved in when I promised her the cover along Setsuna. She took care of the rest."

Negi made a humming sound, looking over the photos in quiet, yet fascinated horror. "'Eiko's Voleyballs'... 'Librarians Gone Wild'... 'Nutmeg Out of her Shell'... 'Sister Shakti's Confessions'..."

"You seem intrigued. Sign for a subscription?"

"... Do you make overseas shippings? I have a friend at Wales who might be interested..."

Chamo made the trip to Japan the very next day after getting his copy.

**Unethically Mature and yet Shotaconish- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with me, Touko-sensei, and Sister Shakti," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

She opened the door, and they saw a shapely woman with glasses sitting at a corner, in a sweaty navel showing tank top and sports shorts, polishing a blade with a thick piece of cloth.

"Uhhh... hello..." Negi began, right before a dark skinned, short haired blond woman walked out of the nearby shower stall, her well proportioned body wrapped with a towel.

"Oh, is he here already? Wasn't he supposed to arrive tonight?"

In two weeks, Negi had started to notice being bathed wasn't such a bad thing.

He didn't understand why his students seemed so hostile at his roommates, or why Evangeline called him a cake eater under her breath. True, he liked cake, but he never had made a big public deal out of it.

They made a much quicker bid for him than the students ever did, in any case. Those biological clocks were ticking, after all.

**Unbelievably Celibate and Chaste- by Rubber Lotus**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Monkey D. Luffyko-san and Joseph Kerr-san, Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

Upon opening the door, Negi came face-to-face with a short-haired teenage girl stuffing her face at the breakfast table. He turned his head and saw an enormous umbrella completely covering whoever it was sitting on the other side. Scrawled on the umbrella were the words "On loan from Oswald C. Cobblepot."

He approached timidly, freezing as the girl let out a large burp and a content sigh. When she turned to look at him, he noted the scar on her cheek, and cringed slightly, small as it was.

The umbrella folded then, revealing the chalk-white face of a slim man squeezed into a black T-shirt and even tighter jeans.

"Paperwork screw-up, " he said before Negi could even open his mouth. "If you're lucky, they'll have it fixed in the next year or so. Don't hold your-" His ruby lips suddenly curved into a smile. "On second thought, _do_ hold your breath till that happens."

Negi's eye twitched helplessly.

But despite the rough start, the two of them proved some of the most useful and friendly, if not necessarily trustworthy, companions he had. The scarred girl, as he discovered, was a human rubberband with a decade's worth of hand-to-hand experience behind her. She'd even discovered how to use her rubber powers to accelerate her own blood flow and double her speed and strength for a short while.

"Joe", while no slouch in hand-to-hand, couldn't last more than second against either of them in a fair fight once Luffyko had taken to training him. But, in his own words, fair was boring. And the fact that he seemed to be a walking encyclopedia on a smorgasbord of topics, including toxins, explosives, pop culture from all around the world, psychiatry, firearms, fish, and Middle Eastern politics made it so that there was never a dull moment with him around.

Every so often, Negi would get the feeling that a part of Joe desperately disliked him but was held in check by another, stronger part. A part that didn't like him that much more but simply seemed to derive some perverse triumph just from being around him.

The two of them rarely attended his English classes, and he was (to his shame) grateful for that. He had enough trouble with the so-called "normal" girls of 3-A, never mind the Super Saiyan-esque rubber girl and the full-grown man mistakenly registered as a teenage girl. The rest of 3-A warmed up to him almost immediately, though he never could figure out why they blushed in his presence, or tried to get them to take a bath with them...

Days turned into weeks. Then months. He formed close bonds with many of them. Miyazaki-san. Ayase-san. Hasegawa-san. Every so often, though, he felt as if two-thirds of the class was... frustrated about something. Frustrated at him. Once or twice he even wondered if they didn't want to be friends anymore.

But he buried those thoughts in the back of his head, in the same closet as the "Joe dislikes me and probably wants to kill me" thoughts. They were his students; he couldn't distrust them!

XOXOXOXO

"Someone up there really hates me, " Chao grumbled as she tossed the newspaper aside. On it was the headline: **New Inmate Satsuki Yotsuba Proves Best Doctor Asylum has Seen in Years!**

The teen genius looked at the paper, then went to retrieve it. Damn Satsuki and her cute, chubby little face. She just couldn't mistreat it, now matter how pissed she was. And boy, she _was_ pissed. The temporal-distortion belt around her waist was the only thing preventing her existence from being wiped out, and by her estimates, there were only another ninety days guaranteed to her.

With a snarl, she drew the family tree booklet from inside of her cloak. The family tree that terminated at **Negi Springfield.**

This had never happened with the other loops. And she dearly hoped that it was only because this happened to be the 666th loop, and not a sign that the space-time continuum was really starting to consider just giving up and going home.

**Inevitably Magical and Martial- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Harry Potter-san and Saotome Ranma-san," Shizuna said as the door to his new quarters began to open...

Later, Shizuna gave her report to the police as they cleared the bodies.

"I don't know what came over them," she said, traumatized. "Potter-san and Negi-kun just attacked each other, then they suddenly turned on Ranma..."

**Awesomely Magical and Haremical- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Harry Dresden-san and Emiya Shirou-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

Negi smiled as the door opened and he stepped in—

_Skuld sighed as she looked up from her terminal. "The squiding universe broke again! Too much awesome in one room."_

**Insanely Incestous and Comical- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Nelly Springfield-san, Chao Lingshen-san and Arika-sama," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The door opened to reveal a busty blonde woman, a girl about Negi's age with long hair, and a teen with her hair in buns.

Guess what happens.

**Inconceivably Hot Blooded And Masculine-by Iniquitus the Third**

"Negi-sensei, you will be rooming with Adell-san and Kamina-san."

Negi bowed, stepped inside the room, and was enclosed in a raw light. Shizuna barely had enough time to bring her arms up before the concentrated manliness erupted in an explosion of sheer power, knocking Shizuna out as she was tossed against the wall.

"...Didn't know the power of a man's conviction was so great! Truly, the mighty emotions of the great Kamina have wrought a miracle!"

"Hey, you said you'd stop turning boys into men before their time!"

"I do only what my manly soul commands of me!"

"Jeez, fine. As long as I'm not involved in the report. This sort of thing just..." A small pause, much like that it would take for someone to strike a pose. "Isn't my style."

Shizuna dully returned to partial conciousness, her eyes fluttering open and seeing three silhouettes.

"Please, Kamina-san, Adell-san, can we talk about this later? I think Shizuna-sensei is waking up."

Shizuna groaned, and opened her eyes fully to see Negi Springfield kneeling before her, looking concerned, worried and above all like a twenty-year old.

Red hair in a splayed form with that short ponytail stub...

Confidence and kindliness in equal amounts...

Unblemished skin and a flawless appearance...

She managed a small whimper.

XXXXXXXXXX

Barney Stinson jolted upwards off his bed. A dozen nubile women, spread around on the ground and the bed in the room mumbled and shifted poses in their sleep, and the nearest yawned and rubbed her eyes.

"Something wrong?" she asked sleepily.

Barney cradled his chin with his hand. "I sense... a challenger."

**Uncommonly Friendly and Overkilly- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Fate Testarossa-san and Takamachi Nanoha-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The door opened, and a girl about Negi's age appeared. "Oh, hello, " she said.

Negi smiled and stepped into the room—

_Skuld blinked. "Darn it!" she cried. "Stupid universe blew up!"_

**Impossibly Mammogrammatical- by ****Iniquitus the Third**

"Negi-sensei you will be rooming with Chichigami-san."

Negi smiled, bowed, and steppe through to meet his new roommate.

XXXXXXX

"I... I couldn't help myself... he just asked so kindly..." Shizuna whimpered and drew her hands around her substantial chest.

"There, there, Shizuna-kun. I'm sure that this is just a natural phase for Negi-kun to go through. His curiosity will fade in time."

The intercom crackled into life. "Headmaster? There's a... There are a few girls out here seeking counseling from being molested and 'compared', if what they're saying is right." A swallow was audible. "Um, they, ah... they claim it was Negi-sensei who did this."

A distressed look came over the Dean's face. "How many of them are there?"

A hasty headcount was audible. "...All bar four students of the entire Junior High."

**Everbelligerently Zephryical and Iniquital- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Anemoi-san and Iniquitus-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

Negi opened the door...

"DEATH TO KYUBEY!" Anemoi cried, waving a pamphlet at Negi like an evangelist.

"KYUBEY IS A GOOD BOY!" Iniquitus cried, tackling him.

Negi stared as the two rolled on the floor. "O-kay..."

And thus, Negi-slash-Platypus Venon was born...

**Unlimitally No and Teethical****- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with J-Teeth-san and No Limit-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The door opened...

To this day, no one knows what happened. But Terminators were somehow involved...

**Insanely Cheesical and SCMical****- by Shadow Crystal Mage **

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with OverMaster-san and Shadow Crystal Mage-san, " Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

The door opened...

"And that's how _**'Unequally Rational And Emotional**_' and part of the 2814-Universe was born!" Negi told his many children.

**Unhealthily Skanky and Promiscuous- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with L*nds*y L*han-san, P*ris H*lton-san and Br*tn*y Sp**rs-san, " Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

And so, Evangeline died after sucking P*ris' blood, Fate made an exception for L*nds*y actually breaking her down after petrification, Br*tn*y was never seen again after wandering off with one of the seediest clients at Tohsaka's place, and Negi was too sick by the time he got to Dynamis, and Mundus Magicus was a goner. Oh, and Mahora exploded, too.

_Game Over, please play again._

**Undoubtedly Lesbian and Shoujo Aish- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Tennou Haruka-san and Kaiou Michiru-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

And so, finally, poor Negi-kun's virginity survived past his first teaching year at Mahora. Although he'd never stop wondering why his roommates kept on insisting he and Chamo had to spend at least two hours over at Asuna-san's every night.

**Unrepentantly Angelical and Diabolical- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Flonne-san and Etna-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

When Anya arrived, she was both overjoyed and aghast that Negi had joined the flat side.

**Unabashedly Mild-Mannered and Foppish- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Clark Kent-san and Bruce Wayne-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

Somehow, Negi ended up turning into a girl, putting on a red, white, blue and gold swimsuit, and ended up in Themiscyra with his class...

**Uncertainly Joking and Woobiesh- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Jacqueline Napier-san and Victoria Fries-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

As soon as he walked through the door, a bucket full with tar fell on his head, immediately followed by a rain of feathers, and a rubber chicken on top of it all.

Then a 12 years old girl with black greenish hair and sharp green eyes was grinning on his face, in a way deeply disturbing for such a young child. "Hey, hey there!" she sing-sang. "Have you ever danced with the devil under the pale moonlight?-!"

Negi recoiled back in instinctive fear. "Wh-What?-!"

"AH HA HA HA HA!" the girl laughed. "I loooooove how people reacts to that! Never fails to shock the underpants outta anyone!" She had to yelp then, as an annoyed Shizuna pulled on her right ear. "Ow! What? What?"

Another, taller and pale girl with short curly blond hair stepped closer, coughing and fanning herself nonstop, clearly suffering under the current heat wave. "Jacquie, please..." she spoke with a distinctive but soft European accent... Austrian, perhaps? "That's no way to greet our new teacher..."

At the dorm at the other side of the street, another girl around the same age, with short black hair, looked through her window, her binoculars fixed on her archenemies' room. "This is bad. Those... fiends have just gotten a potentially powerful new ally. I'll have to go out early tonight, Alice. I can't allow them to get the Dark Seeds before I do..."

The robin perched on her shoulder chirped as if in agreement.

Her silver haired maid only sighed. "I'll go press your tights, Mistress Bryce. Just remember tomorrow's a school day..."

**Unholy Evangelical and Genetical- by OverMaster**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Soryu Asuka Langley-san and Ayanami Rei-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

To this day, the author still receives at least fourteen death threats a day, but he's also bought half of Japan, so what does he care?

**Unimaginably Useful Yet Irritating- by Rubber Lotus**

"Well, Negi-kun, you will be rooming with Kurosaki Ichigo-san and Uzumaki Naruto-san," Shizuna said as she guided him along the dorms to his new quarters.

And lo, the triple-strong dose of Arc Fatigue, interspliced with flashbacks, had resolved the affair with Cosmo Entelechia in the most peaceful and unpredictable way possible. By the time they were through, Fate and his minions had literally been bored to death.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Well, everyone that the author remembered, anyway.

**EPILOGUE: Unequally Rational and Emotional- by OverMaster**

Chao breathed deeply and turned her computer off. She slinked into her bunk and closed her eyes.

From the other bunk, Satsuki's voice asked softly, "Was there ever a world where he lived with me?"

"Not yet," Chao had to admit with some reluctance. She made a pause. "I'm sorry."

"Oh," Yotsuba's voice betrayed only the slightest hint of disappointment. "No, it's okay. I guess it's just not fated to be."

Chao spoke again, comfortingly. "I'm sure, if he ever ended up with you, my quest would finally be over. And everyone would end up with a much better future."

"Thank you, Chao".

"Good night, Satsuki," she reached over for the switch and turned the lights off.

"Good night, Chao."

Unseen in the room's darkness, Satsuki quietly wiped a tear from a corner of an eye and somehow managed to fall asleep.


	2. Chapter 2: The Teachings of Life

**DISCLAIMER- by OverMaster**

Negima doesn't belong to us. Sadly. It was created by Akamatsu Ken. Akamatsu Ken's wife doesn't take research breaks with us, either.

No other characters here, other than a few OCs, were created by us either.

We aren't making any money out of this. Just check my bank account if you want!

****Prologue: Unequally Rational and Emotional- by Iniquitus the Third****

Chao awoke, closed her drawer of files and looked over at her desk, piled high with a list of people that looked suspiciously like a hitlist.

Of course, given the effervescent nature of quantum universes and the whims of casuality, there had been iterations where Negi had been absent completely, replaced by another person almost seamlessly. The things she'd seen in those universes had almost driven her mad with their asymmetric nature and abhorrent results (_Except for that one with Homura-chan_, Chao recalled a little dreamily).

Bloody quantum.

****Quirk by No Limit****

"Everyone, this is your new teacher," Shizuna-sensei said, "Ms. Haruhi Suzumiya."

"I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, your new English teacher," the beautiful, yet strange girl said. "If any of you are aliens, time travelers, or espers, please come see me. That is all."

Chao raised her hand. "I'm a time-traveling Martian with magic powers; does that count?"

The universe nearly imploded. Just as planned.

****Death** **by No Limit****

"Everyone, this is your new teacher," Shizuna-sensei said, "Mr. Light Yagami."

Fortunately, the situation in the magical world was resolved quickly thanks to some assistance by Nodoka. Unfortunately, it was then put under a totalitarian dictatorship by its saviors. Haruna couldn't have been happier.

****Who by No Limit****

"Everyone, this is your new teacher, " Shizuna-sensei said, "Mr…the Doctor?"

Chao slammed her hands on her desk. "I'm your number one fan!"

Fortunately, the Mahorafest incident was resolved quickly thanks to a quick sonic screwdriver to Chao. Unfortunately, Haruna stole the TARDIS and took it for a joyride. Somehow, everyone in Class 3-A had become related. They never saw Haruna Saotome ever again, but some say that even the Daleks live in fear should she ever turn up.

****Jedi by Japanese Teeth****

"Alright students, everyone sit down. This is your new teacher."

"Isn't he a bit...short...?" Haruna stood up, craning her neck to see the diminutive form at the front of the classroom.

"I'd be more concerned about the fact that he obviously isn't human..." Chisame grumbled.

"Yes." The class went silent as the new teacher began to speak. "Your new teacher I am. Yoda-sensei, you may call me."

"This is ridiculous." Chisame slumped over her desk.

* * *

><p>"Teach her, I cannot. Insane, she is!"<p>

"Pleaaaaase!" Haruna fell to her knees, tugging on Yoda's robe. "I want to be able to shoot lightning out of my fingers!"

"The problem, that is! Too aggressive, you are."

"But you taught Nodoka to like move stuff with her mind and mess with people's heads and stuff!"

"Misuse the power, she will not. Another case, you are." He waved his hand across her face. "Jedi powers, you do not want."

"Jedi powers, I do not want."

"Go to your room and study for finals, you will!"

"Study...finals..." Haruna slowly lifted herself to her feet and ambled down the hallway.

"Impressive, Yoda-sensei." Yue watched as Haruna closed the door.

"Indeed. A most useful skill, that is."

**Scar by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Harry Potter-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

He'd barely taken two steps before his brain was all over the blackboard.

Mana put down her gun. "I believe I speak for us all when I say: Screw that!"

**Teeth by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Nelly Springfield-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

"Hey, isn't this already a fic?" Chisame said.

**Bird of Prey by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Helena Bertenelli-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

The tall, busty woman who looked best when drawn by Jim Lee stepped forward. Her and Chisame's eyes met...

* * *

><p>"Say that again?" Oracle said.<p>

"It looks like Helena's dating a 14 year-old version of you, " Black Canary said.

**Warrior by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Guy Gardner-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

"Right!" he cried. "First lesson: Hal Jordan sucks, and I should have gotten the Ring, got that!"

**Laharl** **by Cygnus**

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Laharl-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

The first thing Laharl did was stand on a stool.

The second thing he did was laugh like a lunatic. "! Bow to me, peons!" If by "bow" he meant "have 50% of the class hide behind desks in fear" then yeah, that worked.

Laharl did not teach English. He taught how to kick ass and be genre-savvy. Asuna and Eva had to tag team him a few times before that happened, but safe to say by the time they reached the magical world, Nodoka could solo all four Fate clones. With just her physical attacks.

**Flonne** **by Cygnus**

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Flonne-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

"Hello, everyone!" Flonne greeted. "I will teach everyone about the power of LOVE!"

And later? Eishun nearly had a heart attack when Konoka proclaimed she was marrying Setsuna when she got home. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Eishun cried to the heavens, all while Dean Konoemon laughed (and somewhere, Laharl felt sick).

"Konoka understands love the most!" Flonne answered, brightly smiling.

"See look, when I pactioed with Secchan, she got a sword the size of Mt. Fuji!" Konoka excitedly waved, especially since Setsuna was now her bitch.

Eishun paused. When presented with that logic, he finally answered, "I'm okay with this."

**Mao** **by Cygnus**

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Mao-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

Haruna never thought someone could get Satomi out of the labs AND outkink her at the same time, but despite all that drooling and that "MWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mao had been the most worthy opponent she had ever faced. Chigusa ran away the moment she saw Mao. Fate was immediately captured and turned into her female form, much to the perverted delight of Satomi and Mao.

Chao succeeded in taking over the world.

And Konoka became a demon lord. Nobody knows how that happened.

**Mahou Sensei Kakashi** **by Iniquitus the Third**

"Attention, class 3-A! This will be your new teacher, Kakashi-sens..." Shizuna trailed off as she realised that she was standing in front of the girls alone.

She sighed, and resolved to wait for him. He couldn't be _too_ far away...

* * *

><p>"Hey there, guys! Today, I wandered a little from the path of..." Kakashi trailed off as he realised that the class wasn't listening to him, and was in fact snoozing gently in the evening light. Asuna and Ayaka were sleep-wrestling, mumbling 'Ojicon' and 'Baka' as if on autopilot. Evangeline laid her head on her desk, blonde hair splaying all around as she dreamed adorable vampire loli dreams about slapping a grown man around the head. Nodoka and Yue snoozed calmly, with no distinguishing comments to add without Negi there to dream about (this not being the Magic World arc yet).<p>

"...Well, it seems like my work is done here. You all remember my lessons well, and... keep away from kindergarteners."

****Despair** **by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Itoshiki Nozomu-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

He'd barely stepped into the room before his brains were all over the blackboard.

Akamatsu-sama put down the gun. "Again: HELL NO!"

****Befriending**** by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Takamachi Nanoha-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

It was inevitable Asuna and Ayaka would get into a fight. When their new teacher came to do something about it, however...

"Really girls, this is unacceptable!" she said. "I want you to resolve this immediately! Asuna-San, Ayaka-San, punch each other in the face, _now!"_

"Say what?" Chisame said.

"Put all your true feelings into it, " Nanoha said.

"With pleasure, " Asuna said, smiling grimly as she clenched her fist.

"I shall enjoy this, " Ayaka said.

The double punch sent each other flying. When they stood up, however...

"Oh, Asuna!" Ayaka cried, rushing to hug her. "You poor, lonely thing! Your eyes... So sad..."

"Ayaka!" Asuna cried. "I'm so sorry! Even with all your money, you're so alone! I should try to be a better friend to you!"

"Asuna!"

"Ayaka!"

"Asuna!"

"Ayaka!"

"Asuna!"

"Ayaka!"

They stared soulfully into each other's eyes, blushing. "Let's be best friends from now on..." Ayaka said, raising a hand to caress Asuna's cheek.

"Yeah..." Asuna said, in the same out-of-it tone. "Best friends..."

"Just like me and Fate-chan, " Nanoha said happily.

Two weeks later, Chizuru walked in on them in bed...

****Issues**** by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Harry Dresden-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

The tall, duster-clad man stepped forward. "Okay, first lesson. This is a fire extinguisher. You will each carry one when I am in the same building..."

**Drill by Sereg**

"Everyone, this is your new teacher, " Shizuna-sensei said, "Kamina-sensei."

"Class!" anounced Kamina, "I know that up until now, you have been at the bottom, but look up and see that it is your destiny to reach the top! Yours are the grades that will pierce the Heavens of Academic Excellence! Do not believe in yourselves, believe in your teachers who believe in you! If there is a mental block, tear it down! With your hands, you'll grasp those distinctions! Remember that a true man (or girl in your case) does not fail even when he doesn't receive any marks! With your souls, press forward! Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb, for that's the way of class A! Then, you will know that it is your victory!"

Somehow, the rules of English grammar had been changed to whatever the students of class A said they were and they wrote their exams in giant mecha made out of their own awesomeness.

**Ponies by Anemoi**

"Everyone, I'd like to introduce your new teacher, assistant teacher, and transfer students, " Shizuna announced. "Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Applejack." The class was speechless as eight ponies cantered into the classroom.

"Hey, don't forget me." A small, purple dragon announced from the back of a purple unicorn.

By the time Fate met the class in Kyoto, even Evangeline had been converted to 'The pony side.' Not even his power could stand up against the overwhelming might of the Elements of Harmony powered by several mages with more power than a nuclear air strike. It was quite humiliating to be blasted into oblivion by a rainbow.

Not even Jack Rakan wanted to test his might against it.

Meanwhile, Negi Springfield continued to follow Harry Dresden through downtown Chicago, hoping the pyromaniac detective could help him be stronger.

****A singular pony**** by Japanese Teeth****

"Dear Princess Celestia,

I've learned so much about friendship since you sent me to teach at Mahora. The most recent thing I've learned is that the power of friendship is so strong, that it's the only thing that can counteract the corruption of Black Magic that would otherwise turn you into a demonic beast. Without all of my students, I would probably have destroyed half of Mundus Magicus in a blind rampage by now.

Your loyal subject and pupil,

Twilight Sparkle"

**Pulp** **by Japanese Teeth**

The class stared quietly at their new teacher. Mr. Winnfield was by far the most terrifying staff member on campus. At least "Death-Glasses" Takahata could be reasoned with. It was only a few days in, and things were already going badly. Once again, Asuna had flubbed her translation.

"Miss Kagurazaka, what country are you from?"

"W-what?" She barely managed to stammer out a response as she wilted under his glare.

"'What' ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak English in 'What'?"

"W...what?" She tried to back her chair away, forgetting that it was bolted to the desk.

"English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?"

"No! I'm Japanese!"

Later that day, Mr. Winnfield was suspended until further notice. If Asakura's sources were correct (and they usually were), he wouldn't be returning until he had successfully completed an anger management course. So naturally, they wouldn't be seeing him for a while.

****Crime** **by OverMaster****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Horatio Caine-sensei," Shizuna said, gesturing for him to come forward.

Asuna drooled. "David Carussssssoooooooooo..."

Ayaka snorted. But delicately. "Your standards keep going down and down..."

Then Yuuna bursted in, screaming with terror. "Shizuna-sensei! Girls! This is horrible! While walking here, I found— I found Makie... and she's... she's...!"

A few minutes later, the whole of Class 2-A was gasping at the sight of her unfortunate Butt Monkey classmate lying in a pool of her own blood. Ako, Fumika and Nodoka already had fainted, and Misora was hoping no one would notice the pool of... definitely not blood... now all around herself as well.

Someone had written "FAIL AT LIFE" with Makie's blood in a wall...

Evangeline grimaced, absently wiping the blood off her upper lip. "Curses. I wonder WHO would have been EVIL enough to do THAT." A beat. "Waste of perfectly good blood, if you ask me..."

Horatio-sensei examined the scene carefully, his arms jarred, his fists on his hips. "Well, " he dryly said. "Looks like the old saying proves being true again. First days at a new class..."

He pulled his sunglasses on.

"... Are always a murder."

****YEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHH!****

****Lost by OverMaster****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Hibiki Ryouga-sensei," Shizuna said, gesturing for him to come forward.

The class fell into silence as absolutely no one walked in.

"... He told me he'd only go for a glass of water..." Shizuna blinked.

Haruna sighed. "As expected from Uncle Ryouga..."

The class first met him at the end of Mahorafest.

Then, for the second time ever, at the gateport.

They believe he's still wandering around somewhere at the Magical World...

****Mahou Sensei Yoruichi by Iniquitus the Third****

"Class 2-A, this is your new teacher, Shihouin Yoruichi-sensei."

Setsuna took one look at the way Yoruichi smirked teasingly at the new and hithero-unmentioned (transferred from... Shinigami Academy? Was that even a real place?) student-teacher Soi Fon through the window, and actually _felt the time needed to get any sort of resolution from Ojou-sama double in length._

* * *

><p>Later that evening...<p>

"GAH!" Asuna flailed around in the bath, hands covering her eyes. "Why are you a cat, Yoruichi?"

Yoruichi smirked, paddling around the water. "Oh~? Disappointed at not being able to see my body?"

Asuna only cursed the fact that changing the gender hadn't removed the ship tease.

"Oi, Asuna. If I'm a cat, you can look."

Asuna groaned, and lowered her hands. "Fine. Jeez, it's just that- GODDAMMIT!" She frantically brought them up again, having recieved a possibly-orientation-altering full frontal assault, courtesy of Yoruichi's splayed thighs.

Yoruichi chuckled, water beads flowing down her body. Goodness, this was an even better reaction than she got out of that little ginger boy.

* * *

><p>Chamo rocked around on the ground in the fetal position. <em>Is this bestiality? But I'm an animal as well! But she's only an animal part of the time... But that means it'd change! It'd can't change, by definition!<em>

His little paws rose into the air. "CURSE YOU, TRANSMORPHOLOGICAL BREAST POWERS!"

* * *

><p>Konoka hurriedly scribbled in a little notebook. "Yoruichi-chan, what was that last bit about keeping..." She flipped back a page. "...a 'mixture of affection and ambiguity' in my interactions?"<p>

Yoruichi smirked, and mentally ordered a truckload of popcorn. "One 'compliment with best friend in it' to two 'intimate shoulder touches' to one 'insistence to be informal with you to her' — note the need for teasing looks there — to three 'inappropriate glomps'. Maybe four, if you're the cheery sort."

"Right... anything else?", Konoka asked as she poked her tongue out in concentration.

"Just sprinkle in a tendency to choose her in any P.E. lesson that requires partner contact and perhaps the odd 'hidden smile to her that no-one else can see', and you'll have her wrapped around your little finger in, ooh, call it a month. Maybe two, if she's the 'ever-loyal and guilty-about-her-desires servant' type."

* * *

><p>Fate's eyebrow may have raised. It may have not.<p>

"...So, you have decided to fight me nude?"

Yoruichi grinned at him, bouncing on her heels. "Weeeell, no point in carrying extra weight now, right?" Bounce bounce.

Fate kept his eyes on her. This flippancy only hid some greater power, he was sure.

Bounce.

The only question was, was she a mage, or a chi user?

Bouncy bouncy bounce.

She certainly couldn't-

Boooooing~.

Fate collapsed in a heap, blood spraying from his nose and causing him to go into a three-month coma from blood loss.

Quartum put his head in his hands. "Aw, come on. Frigging Earthy gets beaten by a pair of jugs? I mean, yeah, nice, but they're just a pair of... lovely... round..."

"_Firm..." Quintum added, a line of drool coming from his mouth._

Sextum glared at the pair. "Would you two awfully mind declaring your thoughts aloud with a little less volume? I am _trying to compose a suitable declaration of lust for Yoruichi-sama over here..."_

* * *

><p>Dynamis clenched his fist. Finally, an opponent worthy of using his full powers on.<p>

"I hereby declare a stripping contest!"

Fate's haremettes disintegrated into a blobby mass of fangirl at the sheer nakedness unleashed that day.

* * *

><p>Oh, and no-one ever got hit with the declothing spell. Yoruichi's, erm, 'lack of concern for prudish and outmoded customs involving clothing' <em>more than filled Akamatsu-sensei's fanservice quota. Fortunately, the author does not need to explain how all of these events came to pass with a completely different main character, as he died a violent, afterlife-trained-ninja-related-death shortly after typing these words.<em>

****Mahou Sensei Susan by Iniquitus the Third****

"Class 2-A, this is your new homeroom teacher. Say hello to Susan Sto Helit-sensei."

"Hello, " chorused the class, looking oddly at the white streak of hair in the dark bun atop Susan's head.

"Good morning, class. Miss Shizuna, before you go..." She drew closer. "Where is the stationary cabinet, and which one is The Little Johnny?"

Shizuna blinked. "Um, Susan-san, I'm afraid we don't have a stationary cabinet. And you do know that this is a _girl's school, and none of those girls are called Johnny, right?"_

Susan raised an eyebrow, composure not even rustling. "...A little chart with golden stars, perhaps? Surely you've got one of those."

"Only as a scrapbook activity, I'm afraid, " Shizuna responded, quite thoroughly lost by now.

Death's adoptive granddaughter's hand went up and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Very well, Miss Shizuna. You may go."

Shizuna slunked out, ever so slightly reminded of her childhood.

Susan Sto Helit took a deep breath, before crossing her arms again and locking eyes with the class. "Well, now, class, I'm afraid that there are going to be some _changes around here..."_

* * *

><p>Fate lasted five minutes.<p>

By then, Yue had already smacked the ugly beast threatening to rip space-time apart in the face with a library book (_How To Kille Smalle Dinosaurs. All 756 000 pages of it.), Sextum had somehow been set on fire by Ako, Quintum had electrocuted himself after hearing the thousandth 'how shocking' quote, Quartum had fallen into the kiddy pool and been rendered harmless, Setsuna had gritted her teeth and topped the hell out of Tsukuyomi, successfully achieving friendship level (Kaede had very kindly a) held Konoka's eyes closed and b) taped the event for future reference), Dynamis had been convinced to wear a pair of briefs after a stern talking-to about decency from Susan which had robbed him of his power of NUUUUDITY, and Haruna had stopped drawing young men violating other young men with tentacles and tentacle-like appendages (She was now Mahora's premier clothing designer)._

Oh, and Rakan had spent the entire arc laughing his ass off in the corner. Something about footnotes...

****Mahou Sensei Naruto by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Naruto-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

He'd barely entered the room before he was a bloody smear on the blackboard.

Every member of the class put down their guns. "Hell no! We're not letting that idiot ruin our manga!" Haruna cried.

"Reading fanfics is not doing research, Kishimoto!" Ayaka agreed.

****Xanatos by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Xanatos-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

He smiled. "You don't know it, but that introduction went exactly as planned. Today, we will be putting my new lesson plan into action..."

Even when it seemed like the villains had won, it turned out they had merely helped him further his plans. All this while being a teacher, CEO, father, husband, and making the cast of Death Note cry as he showed them how it was REALLY done...

****Aw, man! by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Tommy Oliver-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward. "His fic where he first does this seems to be on hold, so we've evilly stolen him."

"Right, first order of business, " the man in red, white and green said. "Who here is a teenaged martial artist with attitude?"

At the hands raised, he sighed. "Terrific..."

Where the Baka Crystal came from, no one knows. Only Asuna wasn't feeling crazy about actually being CALLED Baka Rangers, but a sexy older man asking her, so she couldn't say no. Even though Fate knew who they were, he was nice enough not to bother them during class hours except during exams, and any attempts at assassination were visible from a mile away. Mana got so pissed, she nearly tried to do him in, Assassin's Guild rules be damned.

All sexual tension, however, remained subtext, except for Konoka and Setsuna, who filled the couple quotient.

No one was ever able to explain how the giant robots didn't end up trampling people and buildings...

**Fate/stay Night by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Fujimura Taiga-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

That night, Misora tried to summon a Servant and ended up with snide, sword-weilding woman with an agenda. Setsuna was killed when she accidentally stumbled into a fight she wasn't supposed to, but she didn't die. She ran to her dorm, only to be chased by her spear-carrying killer, and only the sudden appearance of another sword-wielding woman saved her.

Then the little sister she never knew she had tried to ambush her with this blonde giant berserker with a panty obsession as she was heading back to the dorm after talking with sister Shakti.

We won't even go to what happened to Konoka...

**Mahou Sensei Bella by Darkenning**

"Well, class, for once, your new teacher is a girl, so there shouldn't be any, um, well, never mind, " said Shizuna-sensei. "In any event, please welcome Miss Isabella Swan."

She moved in beauty through the door to stand in sombre dolour at the head of the class. "Oh, dear, " she said. "I can see that compared to the beauty I find in the girls of this room, and the obvious intelligence that shines in your eyes, that a stupid and ugly person like myself has no chance of being helpful to a class like yours. Now please open your books and we will begin a study of quantum heuristics."

In the hearts of Setsuna and Madoka was suddenly kindled a strong desire to grow closer to this vision of Mormon loveliness.

_What is this strange feeling? _thought Setsuna._ _I have never felt like this before; my childish feelings for Konoka-oujousama, I now see, were only sisterly affection. I must grow closer to this strange, distant girl. Oh, how I hope she will be kind enough to permit that ...__

_What the f—-? _thought Madoka._ _What is with this author and making me gay! Hello? I like guys! I like them just fine, thank you very much!__

"Mistress, should we perhaps do something?" asked Chachamaru.

"Full moon's tomorrow night, " Evangeline said, smiling a sinister smile of dread import. "Then breaks her last dawn."

****Mahou Sensei Quantum Butterfly** **by Iniquitus the Third****

"Class 2-A, this will be your new homeroom teacher."

Class 2-A looked at the little butterfly.

Perhaps the little butterfly looked back. It might not have. No-one's really sure. Bloody quantum.

* * *

><p>Fate lifted his hand, preparing to gut Evangeline with a stone spear.<p>

The little butterfly's wings went flap, flap, flap.

Fate had _just enough time to look at it with what might have been puzzlement before a tiny little thundercloud appeared above him and began raining on him._

He ended up failing. Not even his haremettes could take him seriously when he had a permanent puddle aroud his feet and the countenance of someone struck one too many times by miniature lightning bolts.

****Mahou Sensei Stark** **by Iniquitus the Third****

"Class 2-A! This will be your new homeroom teacher, Tony Stark-sensei."

The scruffy-looking man blinked and peered around the room, apparently under the influence of a hangover worthy of a billionaire playboy. He pointed at the class.

"...Should I know any of your mothers? Or all of them? Because you guys look pretty damn identical to me. Ow." He collapsed onto the ground at this point.

The class collectively tilted their heads.

Well, not all of them. Asuna was busy swaying gently, pupils in heart shapes and in full-on older-man-crush mode, while Setsuna was twitching and suddenly worried about if her mother was related to the Dean.

An arm went into the air from the heap of drunken humanity, looking like a periscope as a sigh echoed up. "Fine, I'll teach you lot. But the _hell I am gonna do Parent-Teacher evening meetings."_

* * *

><p>After a woman with a shock of red hair pulled away Stark-sensei in the middle of the Mahora Budokai arc, muttering to herself about "Wasting time with little hussies like <em>these, Tony?", Satomi became the main character.<em>

Look, these damn suits are harder to control than they looked, and a voice-changing program and a bit of chest-binding meant the gender of the person inside the damn armour made no difference whatsoever.

Although no-one really expected Chao to _agree when Satomi asked her to become a Magistra Magi with her..._

**Mahou Sensei Pedobear** **by Japanese Teeth**

"Welcome your new teacher, class. This is Mr...Bear."

The misshapen animal said nothing as his blank eyes surveyed the room. It's disconcerting gaze paused for the moment on Fumika. She couldn't help but shrink back behind the desk until the stare passed. Fuuka merely glowered back. Then the creature's eyes came to rest on Evangeline. She looked up.

"What do you want?"

The bear made no sound as he lumbered towards the back of the room.

* * *

><p>"So let me get this straight..." The Headmaster put a hand to his forehead. "Evangeline vaporized the new teacher?"<p>

Shizuka could only nod.

"What about that barrier thing that Nagi installed?"

"She apparently improvised her way around it."

"We're going to have to look into that." He sighed. "I suppose it's for the best anyway. That bear thing gave me the creeps."

****Mahou Sensei Ozymandias by OverMaster****

"Class 2-A, I want you to welcome your new teacher, Adrian Veidt-sensei, " Shizuna gestured for the door, waiting for him to walk in...

But no one came in.

After a few moments of confused silence, Shizuna looked out. "How odd. He promised he'd be right here right now, and he never had failed to show up in tim—"

Then everything around them became nothingness.

Exactly thirty five minutes after, deep inside an Antartic refuge, Veidt stood with his hands crossed behind his back, calmly confronting Nite Owl, Takahata and Rorschach. "Do it? Dan, Takamichi, Walter, I'm no serial Republic villain. I'd never announce my plan to save both worlds to you as long as you stood any chance to foil it. I did it thirty five minutes ago."

****Mahou Sensei Kurenai** **by Iniquitus the Third****

"Class 2-A, this is Yuuhi Kurenai-sensei, who will be your homeroom teacher from today."

"Hi, Kurenai-sensei, " the class chorused.

"Hello." Kurenai bowed her head, and then looked around the class. "It is my duty, as your instructor, to teach you and nurture you. _However, " and here her gaze became piercing and ironclad, burning with an unbreakable will. "It is _also my duty, as a woman, to demonstrate to you that your gender means nothing in the world — only ability and determination does. I will show you that we are just as capable of being leaders and dominant people as men!"__

As the class gave a cheer, Chisame found herself with an odd smile on her face. _A female role model? In **_**my**__ life?_**_

* * *

><p>Not knowing why, Jack Rakan thought back <em>It's more likely than you think.<em>

Then he went back to chilling out in... wherever the hell Negi got his arm cut off. Remember that hole? With the whole 'Chachamaru is a Transformer and can grow swords' thing just before that? Those were some good times.

* * *

><p>The Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, before glancing back up at Kurenai and Evangeline. "...I'm sorry, but could you repeat that, Kurenai-kun?"<p>

Kurenai bit her lip. "I have to take maternity leave as a result of my pregnancy, Headmaster. I apologise for this, but I'm afraid that someone else will have to take the class on the trip to Kyoto." She shot an annoyed glance out of the corner of her eye at Evangeline.

The High Daylight Walker appeared oblivious. "What?"

"How is this even _possible?" Kurenai ranted. "I-I mean, you're just a child yourself and a _girl to boot—"__

Evangeline made a shushing motion, smirking slightly. "Kure-chan, there is a _reason why vampires are regarded as sexual metaphors."_

'Kure-chan' looked at first like she was going to protest but then drew her legs up onto the chair and looked depressed. "Y-you _always do th-this..." Sniff. "Always t-talking about yourself i-instead of listening to m-me..."_

Eva blinked. "...Pardon?"

"SEE! You're only focused o-on yourself, you do this all the time, you're busy d-doing something else..."

Eva's hands went up almost defensively. "Oh, now just wait one minute, here—"

"You're always around with the tall Chachamaru girl, a-and you meet up with that Hakase a-as well behind my b-back, a-and you can't even pretend to pay just a tiny bit of _attention to me, e-even though we have this wonderful thing together..." Kurenai was practically in tears by now, even as Eva's eye twitched in confusion. "Y-you don't even _want this! You NEVER wanted this!" Kurenai rose from her chair, tears streaming down her face, and burst out of the room.__

"..." Eva stared at the door, and then looked at the Dean who was trying his hardest not to laugh. It wasn't working.

* * *

><p>Evangeline eventually had a hilarious misunderstanding with Kurenai walking in on her screwing Chachamaru, spent the entire Mahora Budokai arc trying to coax Kurenai out of her room (Albireo beat the crap out of everyone and moonwalked off the stage as Anya, for those of you who care), and eventually caved and proposed to her after recieving a stack of baby clothing from a hysterically-giggling Chao. Unfortunately, as Eva insisted on being the one to wear a dress, Kurenai had to wear the tuxedo and the class were too busy laughing at Haruna's... <em>interpretation of how the whole sordid affair happened to cheer.<em>

Fate tried to attack the gateport as Evangeline and Kurenai went to Mundus Magicus for their honeymoon and successfully achieved orbit from the combined impact of a heavily-pregnant and stressed woman and a Shinso who was _going to make the best of a situation and get laid in the gateport, but nooo, you _had to steal all the attention away from the most famous criminal in the world doing a pregnant ninja in public. He is estimated to reach Earth in roughly two decades time and thus conclusively prove that the Magic World is Mars.__

****Mahou Sensei Sinister Six by OverMaster****

"Class, I want you to welcome your new teachers for this term. Otto Octavius-sensei, Physics; Curt Connors-sensei, Biology; Sergei Kravinov-sensei, P.E.; Quentin Beck-sensei, Dramatic Arts; Norman Osborn-sensei, Finances and Economy; and Adrian Toomes-sensei, Mechanics and Aerodynamics, " Shizuna proudly announced as the six men entered the room.

A single glimpse at the man with glasses and the bowl cut was enough to send most of the students in a panic fit, running for the door. "AHHHHH! TENTACLES!"

Octavius scratched his chin with one of his extra arms. "Curious and curiouser. I wonder why all young females in this country react this way to any long and flexible metal limbs."

"Well, almost all of them, " Osborn observed dryly as the few girls left at the room smirked at Octavius.

"Reminds me of that time I spent with Aunt Miko..., " Kaede mused.

"I haven't had a run-in with tentacles in a long while..." Evangeline pondered.

Zazie nodded only once.

"Just remember, Osborn-sensei, " Shizuna warned Osborn. "Throwing students off bridges is absolutely forbidden."

Osborn rolled his eyes. "For the last time, Madame, I only do that when they start dating Spider-Man..."

****Mahou Sensei Homer by Iniquitus the Third****

Shizuna smiled at the class as they quieted down. "Class 2-A, please welcome your new homeroom teacher: Homer Simpson-sensei."

As the potbellied, balding, yellow-skinned man walked in, the eraser fell down, ready to unleash it's lethal payload of... chalk dust? ...Anyway, it fell down upon his head just as planned by the Narutaki twins.

Instead of just landing on his head, however, he went down like a stone, with a shouted noise that sounded oddly like a 'DOINK!' His flailing right foot landed on the wire stretched over the ground (remember that from way back?), even as his left foot slipped backwards. In a move that made even some of the girls wince, he went into a horribly overstreched splits position for an instant, before his fat rebounded and hurled him upwards in a curve that would have been majestic had it been anyone else.

He landed headfirst on the teacher's desk, bouncing off and whacking it precariously into the air. Homer had only enough time to groan before the teetering desk upended itself onto him, throwing up a cloud of dust.

The class collectively tilted their heads. Moments later, Homer popped up from the nightmarish wreckage, smiling and looking unconcerned.

"Hey."

* * *

><p>Fate tried and tried to kill Homer, but in the end had to admit defeat. Not out of fear or being defeated, you understand, but more because it was really getting very tiring crushing him into the dust and then doing the same thing all over again in the next episode (which became shorter and shorter, what with the main character failing horribly at whatever he attempted and all). The only reason he kept on doing it after Homer met Rakan was because Homer made such funny noises when you hit him.<p>

****Mahou Sensei Aizen by Iniquitus the Third****

"Class 2-A, please welcome your new homeroom teacher: Aizen Sousuke-sensei."

A kindly man, with messy brown hair, a pair of glasses and a little amulet with the symbol for '5' around his neck, walked into the room, bowing politely to the class.

(In the back row, Makie whispered: "_Didn't we read about this guy from Naruto-sensei's stuff when we went through it?"_

Yuuna shot back: "_Nah, different spelling. Now shut up before continuity kicks us in the shins, Makie.")_

"Welcome, " he said warmly. "My name is — as you know — Aizen Sousuke, and you are now under my control." In one smooth motion, he palmed a cupful of hair gel, swept off his glasses, drew his hand back through his hair to slick it back, smiled evilly and drew a simple sword. "_Shatter, Kyouka Suigetsu."_

* * *

><p>From that day onwards, Aizen mentally animated his illusory self to teach the students while he sat there naked. Just because he could.<p>

**Mahou Sensei Evangel** **by Iniquitus the Third**

"Class 2-A, please welcome your new homeroom teacher: Evangeline McDowell-sensei." Shizuna took a step to the side and waved in a short blonde girl, who bowed slightly to the collected gaggle of girls.

Her eyes went around the room, and she noticed that the previous descriptor was in fact incorrect: near the back sat one boy, the smallest of the class, who looked decidedly unhappy, twitching slightly and resplendent in a skirt.

* * *

><p>"So, <em>you're<em> the vampire of Cherry Blossom Lane..." Eva raised her finger, neat nail aiming at him. "...Negi Springfield."

The young boy, wearing a tattered black cloak over an evening suit, grinned at her, showing off his fangs.

"Although I have to say, you didn't pick your hiding place very well. Honestly, a ten-year-old boy among teenage girls?"

The boy perched on a signpost and snarled wordlessly, grip on a long, antique wand shifting. "Hah! I did not choose this. Your father, the legendary Thousand Master, was once my rival. But after I attacked him and confronted him, he tricked me and forced me into this situation, " Negi spat. His anger grew as he continued: "And now these girls call me their mascot and their _pet_! Me! The Black Night Master!"

"Can't say you've aged well, then, " Eva shot back as she scanned the area for Chachamaru. The robot girl was connected with this megalomaniacal boy, she was sure of it.

"Hmph. You know nothing about my kind. To break the curse that binds me, I need the blood of the one who sealed me." An ugly red glow suffused his eyes, and the wind around him picked up to snatch at his cloak. "I think you are close enough to fool the spirits binding me."

"And what if this doesn't work? What if you kill me and get the faculty onto your skinny arse?" Eva took a deep breath and concentrated the magic in her body into her hands as Nodoka shifted beneath her.

Negi tilted his head sideways, gleaming teeth cutting a crescent through the black silhouette of his short frame. "Then I will go knowing that I have tasted the sweetest revenge of all."

"_Rastel Maskil Magister! Come to me, Oh spirits of the wind and thunder!_"

_Kch!_ "_Lic lac la lac lilac! Ice, be my cloak! Night, be my shield!_"

Eva and Negi raised their hands in almost perfectly mirrored stances, eleven points of harsh yellow light arching from the nothingness behind Negi and dashing against the cold blue sphere that sprang up around Eva.

Eva blinked her eyes to remove the brilliant afterglow from them, only to see Negi standing on his wand-staff and beckoning to her before turning and flying off, balanced perfectly on his feet despite the rushing wind and angle.

She heard the pounding of feet along the footpath of Cherry Blossom Lane, but only looked after Negi. _That speed... he's a professional. But he seems to need that oversized staff to cast spells..._

****Mahou Sensei Sorin**** by Watchtower****

"Class, I would like you to meet your new teacher, Sorin Otomo-sens-AAH!"

That scream was the sound of Shizuna as she quickly jumped out of the way of a smoke trail. When the smoke cleared, the class could clearly see a blond-haired man in a Pilgrim-esque outfit. He stood on a platform resting on top of a little wooden head on wheels, and was proudly holding a book that looked realy close to that of the Bible. Several of the classmates began tilting their heads to the side.

"Greetings, boys and girls!" the man shouted in an oddly feminine voice. Opening his eyes, he took a quick look at the class. "Ah, I see it is only girls then. But nevermind! I am Sorin Otomo, and together we shall explore the glories of Xavism!"

The next several days consisted of Sorin getting into various arguments with Misora over Xavism and it's wierd connections to Christianity. Sorin quickly lost any chance of converting his class when his teachings made his use of deceit a little too obvious. It didn't help that a giant tank guarded by Muneshige Tachibana was usually parked outside.

Sorin's stay didn't last the week. Not one to accept cults, the Dean had Sister Shakti deal with Muneshige and the tank. Easier done than said, as Muneshige didn't put up that much of a fight. Sorin was promptly kicked out, and later that night a letter was sent to Negi Springfield urging him to come ASAP.

****Mahou Sensei Kyuubey by OverMaster****

"Class, I want you to welcome your new teacher, Kyuubey-sensei, " Shizuna said as the small animal hopped onto the teacher's desk, elicting a surprised silent wild take from all the students.

Then it fixed its shiny eyes on them and spoke, its mouth never moving at all.

"Make a Contract with me, and become Magical Girls..."

One year later, Evangeline panted, standing over a small hill of ripped and mutilated Witches. "When I get my hands on that critter... I'M GOING TO KILL HIM! THIS USED TO BE A QUIET PLACE TO LIVE!"

Chachamaru sighed, or made the equivalent robotic sound, sadly as she shot a hole through the head of a Witch with mismatched eyes and bells on her head. "I'm so deeply sorry, Asuna-san..."

Zazie stomped on the head of Witch-Nodoka until she stopped moving. "I think she's the last one..."

Evangeline huffed and dusted herself off. "Great. Now who's going to clean all this mess?" she pointed at the masses and masses of slaughtered Witches everywhere at sight.

Chachamaru sighed again and grabbed a broom. "This may take some time..."

"Don't fear!" Chao said as she wrapped an arm around the uneasy looking Puella Magi. "Homura-chan and me will just go back in time... again... and fix it all! This time for good, we're sure!"

Akemi Homura, definitely not a Fatette, exhaled a deep breath and began repeating the desperation mantra an old wise man had taught her in a previous loop. "Won't run away, won't run away, won't run away..."

**'Mahou Sensei Victorique by Darkenning**

A rather harried looking Shizuna-sensei was standing to one side of the lectern, eyebrow twitching faintly. "Well, girls, once again, we have a new teacher, and it's a girl. So I'm _sure there will be no problems." _She eyed Madoka.

Madoka glared right through the fourth wall. _This isn't f—-ing funny anymore, you bastard!_

The author, disagreeing, continued. The door slid open and a tiny, exquisite young girl with knee-length blonde hair in a long black dress walked in.

"You!" shrieked Evangeline, rising from her desk.

"You, " Victorique replied, more quietly, but with no less heat.

They came together in the middle of the class, shrieking like banshees as they battered their hands against each other like, well, like ... oh, let's face it, girls fighting don't really look like cats, but let's go with it anyway.

"Chachamaru!" Eva shrieked. "Help me, dammit!"

"No, Chachamaru, help me!" Victorique said.

"Oh dear. Both of them could be the mistress. How can I tell for sure?" Chachamaru asked, paralyzed by indecision.

"Are you f—-ing kidding me?" Eva shouted.

* * *

><p>They never got to Magic World; any time any sort of magic reared its ugly head, Victorique would call upon the Fountain of Wisdom to prove that it was all a case of land fraud. This really cheesed off Evangeline. Particularly when Victorique did it when they were in bed together.<p>

Oh, like you didn't see that coming.

****Mahou Sensei Judge Death** **by OverMaster****

"Girls, I'd like you to welcome your new teacher, Judge Death-sensei, " Shizuna said.

The skeletical figure in black leathers slammed his bony hands on the teacher's desk. "FIRSSSSSST LESSSSSSSSON! ALL LIFE ISSSSSSS CRIME! THE SSSSSSSSENTENCE ISSSSSS DEATH!"

"AAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sayo flew right out the window.

Eva huffed. "... Showoff."

By the time of the Kyoto trip, everyone just decided to send it all to hell and simply jump on Fate's bandwagon.

**Mahou Sensei Decadent Mom Trio by Darkenning**

Today, Shizuna-sensei was quietly rubbing the narrow space between her eyebrows and muttering to herself in a tone too low for any of the class, even Asuna, to make out. Eventually, she started to wave her other hand as though emphasizing her words, but they could still not be heard. The class watched the Dean's Assistant have a nervous breakdown with mild concern. Were people going to blame this on them?

"Okay. First of all, Makie, you're being transferred, " Shizuna said.

"Eh?" Makie gasped. "But why?"

"Because you're a Butt Monkey."

"I don't even know what that means!" Makie protested, but nonetheless gathered her books and went out, tearily bidding fairwell to her friends.

"Now, we are going to be giving you three new teachers, all of whom have experience with children such as yourselves. So there _shouldn't be any problems."_ Now she was glaring. "Please come in, three new teachers."

The first new teacher was a rather good-looking woman with bright red hair, wearing a very odd metal headband and an orange jumpsuit. Kaede let out a low gasp and started to surreptitiously slide out of her seat.

"Is something the matter, Kaede-chan?" the first new teacher asked sweetly.

Kaede froze, swallowed, and said, "Indeed, no, Kushina-dono, all is well." _I am so f—-ed,_ is what she thought_._

"Good morning, class, I am Uzumaki Kushina, and I'll be teaching you Physical Education and Sabotage, as well as a third class with my two fellow teachers. Any questions so far?"

"Why's Kaede-neechan so scared of you?" Fuuka asked brightly.

"Because she _knows _both me and my son, " Kushina said, then laughed a little too loudly. Only Misora got the joke, and she started to consider ways of getting out of the class quickly too.

The second teacher entered, a graceful lady with long dark hair, cut princess style, in a vaguely military uniform. "Good morning, class, I am Marianne vi Brittania, from the Brittanic Empire."

"You mean, from England, right?" asked Shizuna-sensei.

"Sure, let's go with that. I look forward to learning more about the fascinating native culture of Area Eleven."

"You mean, Japan, right?" ased Shizuna-sensei.

"Sure, let's go with that. In addition to the third class, I will be teaching Etiquette and Knightmare Frame Operation."

"Uh, I'm not sure what that is, but I'm fairly sure that we don't teach it, " pointed out Shizuna-sensei.

Marianne looked at her oddly for a moment.

"Henceforth, we will be offering Knightmare Frame Operation as a mandatory course for all students, " Shizuna-sensei said in a vaguely mechanical tone.

"I don't know what that is, but I feel strangely aroused, " said Haruna in a dazed voice.

And then the final teacher entered the room, a lady with long golden hair — yep, Blonde, Brunette, Redhead — who made everyone gasp when they saw her eyes.

"Asuna!" said Ayaka. "Her eyes!"

"It's probably just a coincidence, " Asuna stammered. "She couldn't possibly be my mom."

"Yes, it's much more likely that you're the daughter of my remote ancestor, kept young through suspended animation for centuries if not millenia, " the lady agreed.

"Yes, that's way more plausible!" Asuna said with relief. _Wait, no, that makes no sense whatsoever!_

"Be that as it may, my name is Arika Springfield, and I will be teaching you Homeroom as well as the same class as my two colleagues, with the help of our respective sons."

"What class is that?"

And then the three teachers smiled, decadently. "Practical Sex Ed, " they chorused.

* * *

><p>LEMON ENSUES<p>

****Mahou Sensei Only Sane Man** **by OverMaster****

"Well, Class, I'd like you to welcome your new teacher for this term, Jack Napier-sensei, also known as John Dough-sensei, Joseph Kerr-sensei, Ivar Loxias-sensei, Oberon Sexton-sensei and Jack White-sensei, " Shizuna said as she stepped aside, allowing him to walk in.

The green haired man with the chalk white skin looked all across the utterly crowded, stuffed full past its reasonable limits, classroom. "... Weren't there supposed to be only thirty one of you?" he asked.

Arika humphed as she clung to her son, hugging him tightly. "I decided I was in dire needs for a refreshing course on Mundus Vetus' education."

Sextum had finally managed to push Fate off Negi's lap, settling down on it and hugging his neck. "I'm in even more need for an education! I never got to attend school!"

"I was the first girl! First Girl Wins!" Asuna was protesting.

"I know you can't count to ten, but you should at least know how to count to two, and I was in page one! I am the First Girl!" Anya yelled at her.

Joker rubbed his temples. "For the love of Groucho, not this again..."

"Negi-kun, I feel I could lose my head for you...!" Tomoe Mami cooed.

"SOLOMON GRUNDY LIKE MAGIC BOY!"

"RRAARRRGHHH! HULK LIKE MAGIC BOY EVEN MORE! PUNY SOLOMON GRUNDY CAN'T COMPETE WITH HULK'S LOVE!"

"Are you dense? Are you retarded or something? I'm the Goddamn Batman! I've prepped for all of you! Negi, you ****must** put on this Robin costume!"**

"For God's sake, Bruce, you should have at least chosen one of the newest models! Not the leg showing suit with the pixy boots!"

"Shut up, Clark."

Deadpool pranced around Negi in his very short Mahora skirt. "Oooh, look, look, Sen-seiiii! This nasty breeze is blowing my way again..."

Kimura Kaere admired the Merc with a Mouth's technique. "I may have my match in the arts of panty-showing...!"

"Please sneeze my way..." Granny Goodness purred throatily, thrusting her wide hips on Negi's direction.

Negi reached over with a hand in Joker's direction, pleading with a choked voice, "Please... Help..."

Joker-sensei sighed in deep grief, grabbed his highly dangerous and lethal teaching equipment and headed back for the door. "You're all graduated, I'm taking the rest of the year sabbatical."

****Mahou Sensei Elmer by OverMaster****

"I feel SO ridiculous doing this..." Asuna muttered bitterly, making her best to sneak silently behind her shotgun-wielding teacher.

"SHHHHH!" he hushed her. "Be vewwy, vewwy quiet... remembew, we're hunting for wampires. Eh heh heh hehh..."

Konoka leaned on her seductively. "If it's any consolation, the hunting outfit looks VERY good on you, Asuna-chan..."

The redhead gasped. "Konoka! Wh-What will Setsuna think?"

Konoka pouted. "She's changed too much since she dyed her wings black, Asuna-chan..."

"Look! Thewe they awe!" Fudd-sensei aimed his gun at one of the two neawby, sorry, nearby standing figures in the nocturnal darkness. "Vewy well, wampire, pwepawe to die!"

"I feel SOOOOO ridiculous doing this..." Evangeline sighed before asking, "Ehhh, Boya, don't you think you're getting this wrong? This isn't wampire season. It's crow demon season!"

Setsuna gasped. "What are you saying? Of course it's wa— vampire season!"

"Crow demon season!"

"Vampire season!"

"Crow demon season!"

"Vampire season!"

"Crow demon season!"

"Vampire season!"

"Crow demon season!"

"Vampire season!"

"Vampire season!" Eva said.

"Crow demon season!" Setsuna shouted

"Vampire season!"

"Crow demon season!"

"Vampire season!"

"I say it's crow demon season!" Setsuna yelled. "And if I say it's crow demon season, then it's crow demon season! I should know since I'm a crow demon! Fire, Fudd-sensei! FIRE!"

Elmer blinked, looked back at Asuna and Konoka, shrugged, and blasted Setsuna in the face.

"See?" Konoka asked Asuna. "She's changed just too much..."

Asuna ran a hand down her face. "When I wished for a sexy bald older man to teach us, this isn't what I had in mind..."

****Mahou Sensei Oracle by OverMaster****

"Well, class, I'd like everyone to meet your new homeroom teacher, Barbara Gordon-sensei, " Shizuna announced.

The red haired young woman in the wheelchair wheeled into the classroom. Out of compassion for the disabled, Misora jumped headfirst into the trap she had set up for her.

At that moment, Chisame didn't really have any suspects she'd just met the love of her life.

It'd only take her a few hacking lessons to realize it, though.

**Mahou Sensei OverMaster by Rubber Lotus**

"Well, class, I'd like everyone to meet your new homeroom teacher, Napoleon de Cheese-sensei, " Shizuna announced.

A bespectacled Latin American man with a sour look on his face walked in, briefcase in hand. The lazy, cynical look on his face remained for all of one second before he saw the class he was to teach.

He remained conscious for approximately one second more.

"Cheese-sensei?" Shizuna gasped.

"I'll give him mouth-to-mouth!" Chisame volunteered.

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

The semiconscious body on the classroom's floor began to mutter something about heaven. And cheese. While blood flowed from his nose.

* * *

><p>"What d'you suppose he's dreaming about?"<p>

"How should I know? Teacher stuff, I guess."

[name withheld] shrugged and high-fived his longtime conspirator against the forces of education, [name withheld]. Had they had glasses and alcohol handy, they would have drank a toast to handy voodoo curses found in old textbooks in schoolrooms everywhere.

As it was, they had _other_ ways to show their appreciation. Ways that involved Sharpies, lots of rope, and camcorders...

**Mahou Sensei Japanese Teeth** **by… Japanese Teeth**

"Uh, hello, I'm here to be your new teacher."

He was met only with confused stares.

"Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing here either. I don't speak any Japanese. I'd assumed the administration would provide a translator."

More stares.

"I don't suppose anyone knows any English?"

Yet more stares.

"I'm going to go back to the office and see if I can get someone to translate." A pause. "Why am I even talking? None of you know what I'm saying."

In the back of the room, Chisame put a hand to her forehead.

****Mahou Sensei Alyssa-chan by OverMaster****

Shizuna had a strange feeling of _deja vu as she addressed the class. "Well, girls, I want you to meet your new teacher, Alyssa Sears-sensei, and her assistant Miyu Greer-san."_

The tiny blond Loli entered, followed by her silent and beautiful robot sidekick.

Evangeline stiffled a gasp.

The tiny blond Lolis stared at each other.

The gynoids stared at each other as well, then each one pulled a large metal blade out of a forearm.

The tiny blond Lolis pointed at each other and yelled in unison, "COPYRIGHT INFRIGHTMENT!"

"What?" Asuna asked.

The rest of the school year was spent in a long ongoing judicial conflict between both parties. Needless to say, after so much time amongst lawyers, 3-A wasn't even fazed by Fate when he showed up.

**Mahou Sensei Scarecrow by OverMaster**

Professor Crane smirked sadistically as he took extensive notes on the girls twitching on the floor all around him.

"Frogs! Frogs everywhere!" Kaede despaired.

"My first time in the Internet! No!" Chisame banged her fists down. "No, I'm clicking on that link AGAIN!"

"Fangs! Fangs closing in on me!" Evangeline cuddled herself in a corner, whimpering like a baby. "Mommy, save me! Mommy!"

"Chizu-nee, no! DROP THAT LEEK, PLEASE!" Natsumi begged.

"EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!" Misora repeated.

"Blood! I'm covered by blood!" Ako cried.

Very quiet on her seat, Chachamaru looked down as well. "Crane-sensei, are you sure this is standard teaching procedure?" she asked.

"Your master hasn't commanded you to attack me yet, has she?" the professor pushed his glasses up his nose.

"No, she hasn't."

"Then be a good girl and don't obstruct the experiment, please."

"Yes, Crane-sensei."

Crane then looked at the only other still sitting student in the class. "And what about you, Miss Sakaki? Why haven't you surrendered to fear yet?"

Makie shrugged. "I have no worries. I guess that means I have no fears either..."

"Nonsense! Fear and worries are not the same thing at all!"

"Ehhhh? Isn't fear something you feel because you worry about that thing hurting you, hurting others, or something like that? Without worries, there can't be fear!"

The Scarecrow lifted an eyebrow. "I see. That is... an interesting theory."

Makie smiled brightly. "Thank you! You're the first teacher who ever compliments me on anything, Crane-sensei! Wanna talk it over some cookies and milk?"

_"... And that was how I met your father, " Makie told her children fifteen years after._

_"EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!" a voice came from the living room._

_"Oh, the girls must have come to pick me up for the job..." she stood up. "Darling! How many times do I have to tell you? Not in the house, please!"_

****Blue Blood**** by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Miko Mido-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

Kaede let out a strangled sound...

It wasn't long before everyone in class was... _accomplished._

Kaede and the twins sobbed.

"Everyone's a sexy ninja! We're not special anymore!"Fuuka bawled.

**Maho Sensei Twilight by Tengu Phule**

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**" screamed SCM as Stephenie Meyer took the magic from behind.

****Nakama by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Ross Geller-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

It soon got drilled into the class that, THEY'D BEEN ON A BREAK, THEY GET IT ALREADY!

On the other hand, they all learned a useful phrase from sensei's Italian friend.

"How _you doin'?"_

****Long Story by Shadow Crystal Mage****

"Class, I would like to introduce your new teacher, Ted Mosby-san, " Shizuna said, gesturing for them to come forward.

Everyone in class became a coffee addict. It was the only way to stay awake through sensei's lectures. Honestly, the guy could make a simple story last for what felt like years, with subplots, callbacks, flashforwards, flashbacks and cameos.

On the other hand, they all learned a useful phrase from sensei's banker friend.

"SUIT UP!"

**Epilogue: Unequally Rational and Emotional- by OverMaster**

Fortunately, the current iteration had Negi-sensei at the helm of the class again. Yes, this time she had it all to get right once and for all. No strange, impossible to handle, universe destroying teachers on her way now...

A few voices came from the outside.

"BUKAWWWK, BUKAAAWK, BUKAAAAAWWWWK!"

"Oh, Boo-sensei! Always getting up so early so salute the morning!"

"What are you doing up this early, Yukari-sensei? I thought you had gone out to drink last night!"

"I did! I still haven't returned home!"

"Hey, come and see this! Becky-sensei just made the most adorable crayon drawing of Negi-sensei!"

Chao buried her head under the pillow.


	3. Chapter 3: Of leeks and lunacy

The tall, suave man adjusted the red, dome-like hood on his head, straightened the lapels of his tuxedo, and began:

"Mahou Sensei Negima does not belong to any of us here at Ala Iridia. That said, it's been a long time since this has been updated, hasn't it?"

He struck a dynamic pose.

"This little collection was inspired by a charming, brilliant fellow among their number. Which one? Not telling~"

"RUBBER LOTUS!" a voice booms from somewhere outside. "Where the _hell_ is my coffee?"

"And my _Shonen Jump_?" another voice adds.

"And my pizza! I told you to go meet the delivery boy at the front door!"

"How do you expect us to keep up with our multimillion-dollar epics in this state?"

"Keep this up, and we'll cut your salary in half!"

"... I thought he only made seven cents an hour..."

"And I'll round down, too!"

The man gulps, takes off the hood and tux as quickly as humanly possible, and shoves them under his pitiful excuse for a bed.

"C-coming, OverMaster-sama! SCM-sama! Iniquitus-sama!"

Such was life as Ala Iridia's chore boy... but someday, oh yes... someday, he would surpass them all...

**Prologue: Unequally Rational and Emotional - by Rubber Lotus**

Chao groaned, rubbing her eyes. It took her a good few moments to realize that she was shivering.

The teen genius looked at her custom-made H.G. Wells alarm clock. Three in the morning.

Dammit.

"I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams..." she quoted to herself sleepily. Half of her still wasn't sure why.

It was a frustrating feeling, that. The revered Number One Girl Genius of Mahora not knowing something. She cobbled together a time machine from an old pocketwatch, for God's sake! She was even more brilliant than _any_ of them knew! Wiser, too - how many of them could boast about braving thousands upon thousands of timelines, watching them crash and burn time and time again, and keeping such meticulous notes on each and every one of them?

She then took a deep breath and exhaled.

_"Ni hai shi ge hai zi... nao zi jen da" _she muttered to herself in Mandarin. It wasn't her birth tongue, like she'd led her classmates to believe, but speaking in Mandarin always helped calm her down. The language demanded a good deal of concentration to pronounce even the simplest word, especially for non-native speakers.

Well, whatever the case, she wasn't going back to bed anytime soon. Just the thought of it made her heart rate double all over again.

And again, the worst part of it all was not knowing. Not knowing what the dream had been about. Barely remembering the tiniest scrap of detail. All she had to work with was the raw fear it had produced. She'd read before that humans typically remembered only ten percent of what they dreamed. She didn't exactly qualify, but she supposed that she was close enough.

_There were eggs involved, I think. And my bed... except the room wasn't anything like mine... and something to do with East?_

Psychology and psychiatry had never been her strong suits... maybe she should have paid more attention during those timelines when guys like Jonathan Crane and Hugo Strange showed up, either as 3-A's teachers or something much, much stranger.

"Screw it," she muttered to herself, getting up off of her bed and making a beeline for her computer. "Might as well go over some of the files... remember what to look out for..."

Two minutes later, she was clicking away, no specific target in mind, and in fact more concerned with blinking out the sleep out of her eyelids.

Then her crusty eyes fell upon a folder that seemed slightly unfamiliar. Then she remembered what it was, and that it wasn't unfamiliar at all. Merely a case of her not having added to it in a long while. That particular event, and all its myriad branches, had occurred rather late into Negi's career. Most timelines never made it that far.

_Confessions_, the folder said.

Such a harmless name to describe a moment that featured Negi hanging from a giant leek by the butt, about to be coerced into revealing the name of the one he loved the most. The girls of 3-A knew no mercy. Or privacy.

She clicked.

_**Theodora! **_**by rikalous**

Chizuru blinked uncomprehendingly.

"Magic world princess. I'll explain later, " murmured Haruna from the side of her mouth. "Now, Negi! Explain how you could choose some _foreigner_ over your own precious students! Over we who have bled, sweated, and wept with you! How could you _betray_ us so?"

She threw her arm across her face in theatrical grief. Asakura privately rated the performance a 7.5/10. The overdramatic gestures were unpolished, and she should have denigrated Theodora more.

Once he was sure she was finished, Negi resumed speaking.

"Well, that's the thing. She's not my student, so our relationship won't be inappropriate. She's a consummate politician, so she'll be a major help with the political aspect of Blue Mars-"

"What's that?"

"Later, Makie. Keep talking, Negi, " said Haruna.

"-so I can focus more on the magic-and-science end. With the way her race ages, she's effectively my age-"

"Wait, she's not human?"

"Neither's Zazie. Twins shut up, Negi speak, " growled Haruna. Did nobody have any respect for drama these days?

"-and they're very long-lived, so even my immortality won't be a problem."

"... Nobody's going to ask about that? _I_ sure didn't know about that. I don't think _Asakura_ knew about that."

"Be quiet, Haruna. I think he's about to say something else."

"Be... besides..." Negi's already substantial blush was starting to make it hard to tell where his hair stopped and his skin began. "When she kissed me... I understood why ministras so often fall in love with their magisters."

(Normally, Ayaka falling into a nosebleeding swoon on top of a sloped roof might have put her life in danger. However, the Mahora Equestrian Club holds its members to standards of fitness that would have given your average horseback nomadic civilization pause. She won't even get bruised.)

"Plus she's smoking hot, " noted Yuna. "What? I'm straight, not blind. Makie and Nodoka can back me up."

"Regardless of any tingly feelings this woman might inspire in Yuna, our course is clear!" roared Haruna, her composure regained. "We cannot stand in the path of true love! We must support it however we can! And since the artifact he got from Theodora is more powerful the more people pactio with him, that means _he needs a kiss from every girl who hasn't yet!_ Narutakis front and center! Cheerleaders to me, double time! Sayo, grab your robot and get in line! Zazie, you support your teacher, too. Asakura, get the word out! Do you have visual contact with Akira and that stripper?"

From his vantage point safe within Kaede's cloak, Kotaro shuddered and thanked his lucky stars he didn't have to worry about that lovey-dovey crap. Girls were _scary._

** _Chisame! _by Darkenning**

"It-it-it-it's going to be broadcast live, " Chachamaru stammered. Well, there's a whole swath of technical terminology to explain what exactly her speakers just did, but let's stick with stammered right now. "What should we —"

"How should I know?" Chisame snapped, blushing. "It's not like I'm interested in hearing who he likes."

She wasn't. She really wasn't.

She knew it wasn't going to be her, but hearing it would mean that it was real, and so she really didn't want to hear it, and yet it was much too late, and now she was going to —

"Chisame-san, " Negi said a moment later.

— going to —

— going to —

— going to —

"Oh, come on! How the hell can that little bastard lie like that!" Chisame eventually shrieked.

And then firm robotic arms were wrapping around her.

"I'm happy for you, " Chachamaru whispered into her ear. "I'm so, so happy. But if you ever hurt him, and doubting his sincerity under these circumstances _will_ hurt him, I will kill you."

"Oh, what a frickin' wonderful development _this_ is!" Chisame yelled. She was so mad, she was practically crying! These certainly weren't tears of joy falling from her eyes! No sir!

AND HER HEART WAS NOT SINGING! LALALAALAAAAA! CAN'T HEAR YOU!

_**Sextum **_**by rikalous**

"Is she English?" asked Fuka cheerily. "She sounds like a skank!"

"Fuka! You know what your name sounds like in English, right?" said her sister.

"Seriously?" Haruna asked as Chizuru dismissed her artifact. "You saw her for what, ten seconds of combat? I know you saw her naked, but that wasn't exactly your first glimpse of ladyparts."

"I... I don't know what it was about her, but she's really pretty, and most of the people in Cosmo Entelechia aren't really bad, and I'd like to get to know her better after everything's done and it's safe to let them out again..._ _Anyway-have-fun-with-the-festival-and-goodbye_!_"

And he was off, in a burst of embarrassed lightning.

Well within earshot but well out of sight, Tertium "Fate" Averruncus drained his specially reinforced coffee cup and carefully smoothed out the dents he'd just made in it. That wasn't what Springfield should have answered, but he could certainly work with it. All it would take would be a few discreet alterations. His creator wasn't available, and asking a favor from the Doll Master was too absurd to be worth considering, but that Hakase girl had some experience with artificial lifeforms.

With a little luck, Springfield would hardly know the difference.

**_Chamo_ by OverMaster**

Negi's head hung down in shame, biting the tongue that had just betrayed him.

Haruna's jaw slacked down.

Nodoka and Yue collapsed on each other.

Ako took a hand to her mouth quickly, as her cheeks seemed to swell up with something pumping up her throat.

Natsumi looked oddly reinvindicated as she looked at the other girls. "Who's the Furry Lover now, huh? Tell me! Tell me!"

"WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS!" Fuuka realized, taking her hands to her head. "NEVER! WE HAVE SINNED BEYOND ANY REPAIR! THIS IS OUR HELLISH PUNISHMENT!"

"... B-B-B-B-But... Buh-But I'm n-not even a girl ermine!" Chamo managed to whimper, even as Ayaka picked him up and began strangling him—

Five seconds later, the universe, unable to cope with it all, imploded into itself.

It was for the best.

_**Chachazero!**_** by rikalous**

After a brief moment of euphoria, Chacha_maru_ sank sobbing into Chisame's arms.

Meanwhile, Negi was beginning to sob with guilt. "Oh, I'm so despicable! Nekane warned me about getting mixed up with girls who like to stab things, and I know she has an understanding with Chamo, but I just can't help myself! Her dazzling, everpresent smile, that twinkle in her eye when she talks about murder, it's all just so alluring!"

The tears were beginning to fall in earnest, and the assembled girls were feeling very awkward indeed, when a small, furry body ran up Negi's clothing to grab him by the collar and look him straight in the eye.

"Snap out of it, man! If it were anyone else trying to steal my babydoll away, you can be damn sure they'd get a burning cigarette butt to the genitals! But this is you, Negi. I've known you were a man among men from the first time I laid eyes on you, and with every spell learned, fight won, and student seduced I've become more impressed. I would be downright honored to share Zero with you."

"But what she think of it? What will everyone think?"

"Negi, my boy, I roleplayed as you not three nights ago. She'll be thrilled that you're joining us. As for everyone else, what do the Lightning God, Bloody Hand of the Vampire, and Genital Burner need to care about what people think? We know it's love, and that should be enough for anyone!"

Revitalized, Negi rushed off to get Chachazero's doll contract transferred to him. A cheer rose up behind him, because cheering distracted the girls from thinking through the implications.

The universe utterly failed to implode, although nobody who knew about the three was ever looked at them in quite the same way again. Even Eva wasn't certain how Chachazero was capable of blushing without blood.

_**Eva**_** by SCM of 2814 (Shadow Crystal Mage)**

Evangeline snorted her alcohol out her nose, managing to choke and gag at the same time. "Wha… Wha… Wha…"

"THIS IS ALL STEPHENIE MEYER'S FAULT!" Ayaka screamed. "I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT IT IS!"

_**Zazie **_****by SCM of 2814 ****

Everyone blinked, then turned to stare at Zazie.

Zazie stared blankly for a moment, then did the Snoopy happy-dance.

"Wow, you can actually do that?" Makie said.

_**The catgirl fetish maid **_******by SCM of 2814 ******

Everyone stared. "Who?" they all asked.

Negi squirmed. "Well, it was that time when Rakan-san took us to that restaurant, and I bumped into her when I went to the little magisters room, and she gave me her number, and one thing led to another, and now we're expecting kittens…"

The resulting screams of "WHAT THE HELL?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!" drowned out anything else.

_**Fate…**_** ******by SCM of 2814  
><strong>******

Somewhere, Tertium perked up.

"… Testarossa, " Negi finished.

"Who?" Haruna asked.

"Oh, she's from another fandom. The artist of the Negima Neo manga, who also draws Vivid, introduced us when them came to do that drawing for volume zero. Fate and I hit it off, and…"

"NO, THIS ONE IS TOO META!" Chisame cried. "DELETE! DELETE!"

_**Arika **_**********by SCM of 2814 **********

Everyone stated at him.

"I'm choosing to believe this is a purely filial love and not something Darkenning-inspired, " Ayaka said.

Negi looked around shiftily. "Uh, yeah, let's go with that…"

_**Cassandra Cain **_************by SCM of 2814 ************

3-A paused thoughtfully, then nodded in sage agreement.

"Yeah, she's hot, " Ku agreed.

_**Asuna**_ **by Darkenning**

"What?" asked the girl herself as she dangled from the flagpost with the edge of Setsuna's blade gently resting at her throat. "What did he just say?"

"Ummm ... apparently, the first girl wins, " Setsuna told her, smiling wanly.

"... oh, so he said Nekane."

"N-no, he —"

"Anya?"

"No, Asuna-san, he —"

"Cripes, has he been crushing on some poor girl he met on the train this whole time?"

Setsuna stared at her for a long moment. "Bridge of birds, you really _are_ an idiot heroine, aren't you?"

"Hey!"

**_?_ by rikalous**

"Who do you like, Negi?" asked Chizuru, deceptively sweetly.

Against all his conscious will - though who but sex-obsessed old men from Austria can say what the subconscious wishes - Negi burst out with "Kotaro!"

"Well, that'll be a disappointment for Natsumi, " muttered Haruna thoughtfully.

"Sayo!" continued Negi.

"Wait, what?"

"Fate!" Tears rolled down Negi's face, though whether of sorrow or shame or ecstasy none could say.

"Chizuru, you sure your artifact's working right?"

"And Master Eva!" He sank to his knees, in the throes of that same ambiguous emotion.

"All of them? I thought you had your eye on one person in particular."

"Yes! All of them! Forgive me, Nakane. I tried to act as a proper English gentleman. I expected to marry the fire mage next door one day, and have two or three children after I retired from saving the world. But I think my assignment here, here in this hormonal hotbed was meant to teach me that I cannot deny my true desires. You of all people, Haruna, will understand the allure of the forbidden. Dating any one of my five-year-older students would be just too vanilla, but a bisexual harem including quasi-bestiality, student-teacher age-gap-of-decades necrophilia, eternal-shota age-gap-of-who-knows-how-much hatesex, and student-teacher-both-ways eternal-loli age-gap-of-centuries pining-after-my-father? That would satisfy me." Sober now, he rose to his feet. "I am not a fool. I do not expect that any of them, much less all four, will accept someone as perverse I am. Still, I could not lie to myself, and now I cannot lie to you. Enjoy the festival."

And with a nod, he started to walk off.

"Wait!" cried Kotaro as he burst from Kaede's cloak. "Negi, I mean, I do respect you, and I wouldn't mind, er, a little more, but I think I'm kinda with Natsumi right no-"

Natsumi turned from where Zazie was telling her about some full-blooded wolf demons of her acquaintance. "Go, my puppy. Follow your heart. Loving someone means knowing when to let them go."

"Then I'm in, Negi."

Sayo flew in in her robot body. "Negi, I died a virgin and the closest thing I've had to sex in decades was hiding and listening to other couples getting it on. I'm in. I'm in for anything."

Fate rose up from a puddle, his face so red it should have turned the water to steam. "Well, it's n-not like I'm interested-"

"Fate's in, " translated Haruna.

"That's three for three! Do we have camera contact with Eva?"

"Boya, I want to be very clear about something. I will not be in your harem. You and anyone else you bring is being allowed into mine. Understand?"

Negi turned to Kotaro, Sayo, and Fate. Three heads nodded agreement. Anything was worth a piece of that boy. He turned back, tears once more brimming in his eyes. "Oh yes, Master! I'm coming!"

He would soon have good reason to repeat those words.

**_Takamichi _by Iniquitus the Third**

The collective jaw dropped. (Apart from Negi's, clearly.)

"I... How does that even— you haven't even talked with him for, like forty chapters!", Chisame exploded.

"Well, yes, but ever since that time he split a waterfall for me with his bare hands..." Negi sighed wistfully.

"But you're ten and he's approaching forty!", sputtered Chisame, incandescent with rage as Chachamaru began her total system reboot.

"That's why there's no time to lo—" He stopped as Asuna moved in front of him and locked gazes with him, her expression unreadable. His horrified brain reminded Negi of that sorta-crush that had been one of the cornerstones of her character development early on, and he closed his eyes reflexively when he saw one of her hands rise. "N-now, listen, A-Asuna-san, I—"

Asuna grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. "Good on you, Negi!"

"...Bwuh?"

"I'd given up hope by now, but it seems you finally came around to the charms of older men!" She dug around in her pocket, searching intently. "Hang on, I think I put it somewhere here a few hundred chapters ago... Ah, here you are!"

Asuna pressed a little badge with a safety-pin into his hand in the shape of a heart with a cake at the centre of it, along with a membership card without a photo or signature.

"Here's your official Cake Eaters' Association badge and card! Meetings're every second Friday in the old arcade, bring snacks or a drink and—"

"Hold on a minute!", Chisame interrupted her, close to going mad.

"You're in the ballpark of several decades older than Takahata-sensei!", she protested, pointing at Asuna.

"Humph. You're only as old as you feel, I say, " Asuna said.

"Hey! I've been trying to get into that club for ages now! How come he gets in like that?", Ako complained.

"You're attracted to Negi. Dammit, Ako, we've been over this..." Asuna said tediously.

"But I even had all those sorta-shippy moments with Tosaka..."

Asuna tutted. "But you went back to wanting to bang 'Nagi' the moment he reared his head."

"Oh yeah..."

Natsumi turned awkwardly to Kotaro. "Wow. Uh. Talk about the unexpected, huh?"

"I dunno... the old guy's pretty strong, and he's a proper man, too, " Kotaro said thoughtfully. "In fact, I... uh, I need to go talk to him right now. Like, about training and fighting... yeah..."

Natsumi twitched.

* * *

><p>"Eva, let me in! Please, I need your help!"<p>

The dread Evangeline yawned in the way a toddler does, wriggled for a moment in her little nightdress, snuggled up to her heart-print pillow and rolled over against her maid-plush doll to go back to sleep as Takamichi desperately bolted for cover to dodge the Yukihiro hitmen's shots...

_**Fumika**_** by rikalous**

"And the winners are the Narutaki twins!" said Asakura, broadcasting to all her active golems.

"_No,_" said four people at once.

"Fuka is mine, " said Kaede, eyes half open for emphasis.

"We are two different people, you know, " said Fuka.

"Yeah, what she said, " said Fumika.

"While I may have fallen low enough to have this sort of relationship with my own student, I am not depraved enough to abandon monogamy, " said Negi.

Elsewhere, Chachamaru put her head in her hands. Elsewhere from that, Luna felt her face heat. Back with Negi, Yue and Nodoka very carefully did not look at each other or Haruna.

"Er, tell us, Negi. Why Fumika? My viewers are dying to know."

"Well, she's a delightful person and wonderfully easy to get along with, especially when not influenced by her sister's...exuberance."

"Plus, look what he wrote on the class roster!" said Fuka, deftly pickpocketing the said item from him. Call her a bad influence, would he? "See? 'Surprisingly skilled.'"

"Fuka!" cried her sister. "You just wrote that to prank him. You even wrote that you have adult tastes."

"I do. Kaede looks like an adult. And I don't remember underlining the note by yours. The pen practically tore the paper."

_**Chao!**_** by rikalous**

"Yes, Chao! I've met women I could have an intelligent conversation with, or spar with fists or magic with, or plot to save the world with, but only Chao could do it all and more. But no, she is a relative, and long gone to her own time. Besides, our relationship would be a paradox that would no doubt do horrible things to the timestream. It can never happen."

"Not so, teacher!" said the jetpack-borne Hakase, entering the scene as gloriously as, well, an engineer on a self-designed jetpack. "With so many generations between the two of you, and some of the truly fascinating advances in genetics yet to occur, you're hardly more related to her than you are to me! And she told me a location to leave a message if I needed her to return to the future, so contacting her won't be a problem."

"That's wonderful news! And you're certain we won't be damaging time itself?"

"Certain? I have no idea! It might do nothing, it might split off an alternate universe, it might make Biff Tannen crash into a manure truck. Or it might collapse all of existence past and future into a lemony-tenor sludge. If we let little things like that stop us, we'd never have invented the Large Hadron Collider! Or the atomic bomb!"

As Hakase posed dramatically and paused for effect, a rocket-powered bed rose into view. On it was Chao, wearing nothing but a Princess Leia slave bikini and a sultry smile.

"For the sake of Science, you must tap that!"

**Epilogue: Unequally Rational and Emotional - by Rubber Lotus**

Chao rubbed her eyes and groaned. _That_ was where she drew the line.

The girl genius clicked a few more times, and watched as the folder vanished from the screen. She hadn't gotten to all of them, but there was really no more point in looking at the rest.

She then chuckled humorlessly to herself. As if there was _ever_ a point in the first place... she could just barely remember why she'd even opened the file.

Shrugging, she turned the computer off and went back to bed, wondering if this particular timeline _would_ get that far. And if it did, whose name would come out of Negi's mouth this time? Evangeline's? Kaede's? Satsuki's?

As she closed her eyes again, she could almost hear a voice from beyond mockingly whisper, "D. None of the above."


End file.
